10 Bizarre Animal Mating Rituals

From handing out flowers to serenading and the dazzling display of colours(and money of course), the mating ritual is as old as time itself.
Some rituals go from awww inspiring to horrendously weird. And of course, the outcome which we all hope will be awesome sex don’t always end nicely.
So here are some utterly bizarre animal mating rituals that will leave you gaping;

1. Bonobono:
                This primate closely related to humans are known for their social behaviour. They live in fission-fussion social groups whose societal structure revolves around sex. Their bedroom antics however go beyond mating; sex is used as a form of greeting, means of solving disputes, favour in exchange of food, and making up for fights.
They tongue kiss, engage in oral sex, mutual masturbation and face to face genital sex.
I’m not quite sure why this big guy is really excited, but one would think all that mindless copulation would get boring. On the flip side, the human society could pick a leesson from this: violence is not the answer, why don’t we just have sex?

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2. Giraffe:
            With their ridiculously long necks, mating is hard work for  the male giraffe. Males wander from herd to herd looking for females in estrus; when he finds one, the male begins to nudge the rump of the female to induce unrination. He then takes this urine in his mouth and decides if it’s good enough. If the female passes the urine test, he decides she’s ready to be courted. This ritual is called the fleshman sequence. But since Giraffes are non-territorial, succesive males will mate with a receptive female–which roughly translates to following her around like a mumu(flea) till she lets him tap it.

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3. Flatworms:
              Due to their haemaphrodite nature and because Jesus frowns on fertilizing one’s own eggs, flatworms have to combat to decide who carries the baby. They literally whip it out and engage in  what is called penis fencing(briefly imagine using an erect penis as a sword)in a way that will leave gladiators green with envy–winner becomes whoever succeeds in ‘stabbing’ it in and depositing sperm.

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4. Banana Slugs:
                     With a 6inches penis–which is twice their body length– this little guys are endowed in ways some animals can only dream of(like the Silverback Gorilla). But certain endowments come with downsides. To mate, slugs find a partner of about the same size, then each proceeds to penetrate the other. In a situation where there is an ‘accidental’ pairing and a penis is stuck in coitus, nature has found a way to remedy the situation without spending medical bills: chewing. You read right. The receiving slug chews off the offensive baggage to save himself the problem of dragging a 6in load around.

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5. Porcupines:
                 Just like the long necked mammal, our prickly friends appear to have a thing for urines. The male porcupine from a distance drenches a potential female lover to test her willingness and readiness. If she likes the urine, she bares her non prickly underside to him. Spiky can then have the time of his life without permanently impaling his manhood.

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6. Red sided Garter Snake:
                            If there was ever a definition of orgy, this is it. The garter snake goes into hibernation in a large group….and by large I mean some 30,000 snakes. At the end of hibernation, they emerge in some kind of sexual frenzy that is sparked by a lone female who wanders in their midst and releases pheromones. Every male then rushes to hump her and strangely enough each other should their effort prove abortive. To take weird to a whole new level, some males even go as far as emmitting what I would probably call decoy pheromones to get humped! Now that’s downright dirrrrty and freakish.

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7. Whiptail Lizard:
                      I don’t know how they managed to do this, but this specie from New Mexico only comprises of females. How do they reproduce, you ask? Asexually. When it’s time to mate, the females engage in a ritual dance by acting out the actual procedure of copulation. Strangely enough it stimulates reproduction and the offspring becomes an actual clone of the mother. Who’s the mother, you might ask again? Well, every season the females alternate on who plays the male. You’ve got to give it to them, these lesbo Lizards have it all figured out.

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8. Hippopotamus:
                      It’s difficult to comprehend why an animal as butt ugly as the Hippo would do something extremely worse than peeing on a female to attract her.
When an adult male is ready to mate, he shits himself. It doesn’t end there….he then swings his tail in a circular motion to spread the shit so the smell travels further. Apparently the stinkier the poo, the greater the probablility of getting a female. For some reason only known to the Hippos, the females find the smell of poo attractive.

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9. Bed bugs:
              In a ritual that can only be classified as serial rapist extraordinaire, the male bed bug in a bid to bypass the stress of courting stings the female and leaves her temporarily immobilised, leaving him to do his business. They’ve even got a fancy name for this: traumatic insemination. It’s however uncertain if it’s traumatic because the female is paralysed, or because the stinger also happens to be the penis.

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10. Angler Fish:
                     Scientists often wondered how the female Angler fish reproduced since they had never seen them mate before. Luckily we don’t need to worry about the answer anymore.
At maturity, the male Angler fish become totally useless to himself–his digestive system collapses meaning if he wants to live, he needs to find a host body. Quickly, he finds a female unto which he attaches himself in a shameless show of clingy wussification and literally lives off her. With time the rest of him withers away leaving only a small hump on the back of the female, which fertilizes her eggs when she is ready to reproduce. This way, the Angler fish’s manhood lives on.

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Do you know of any bizarre animal mating ritual not listed here? Please share it, or write about it and link back.  

 

                 

               

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7 thoughts on “10 Bizarre Animal Mating Rituals

  1. Lizzieebunoluwa September 25, 2014 / 5:10 pm

    Hahaha! My word!!! This was abso-frigggin-lutely hilarious. What?!?!! Lesbo lizards uhn? Lol.
    Thank you for sharing .

    Like

    • uju September 26, 2014 / 5:35 am

      And people say lesbianism is abhorrent to nature 😀

      Thanks for reading.

      Like

  2. Tito Tobi April 20, 2014 / 9:47 am

    The Angler Fish is dead but his manhood lives on. Sounds familiar! 😉 Talking of bananas, you ladies sure….coughs.*sore throat*

    Like

    • ujuh April 20, 2014 / 9:12 pm

      Ah you would. That was our national chant for a while 🙂 Need procold.? Bananas are highly nutritious and soothes the throat *winks*

      Like

  3. ujuh March 28, 2014 / 5:29 pm

    Hah! My inspiration? BANANAS! Don’t you just love how ‘huge and yummy’ they look?

    Like

  4. Little Miss Menopause March 28, 2014 / 7:01 am

    Hi there My New Tennis Partner – – I would just love to know what the inspiration was for this particular piece. LOL! And I never realized just HOW much a Banana slug resembles the real fruit! I’m sure that’s part of their “appeal” to one another. Yes, that last bad pun was a definite hit into the net. Call it out immediately! 😉

    Like

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