Romantic relationships: Understanding the opposite sex.

Loving couple holdind on the hands and sunset
A couple of weeks ago I lost touch with a friend…a male friend. Of all the problems we had, one seemed to stand out: somehow we (or one of us did) let emotions take centre stage. That single unconscious act alone became the seed that eventually germinated to reproduce many issues that led to our eventual estrangement.

Our ‘break up’ hurt like nothing I had felt before—at first though—not because I was romantically inclined towards him, but because I had come to value our friendship a lot and acted as such. On hindsight I think the ‘act’ bit of my attitude confused the hell out of him.

Men and women it would seem have different ‘processors’, and don’t actually understand each other as well as we love to think– I mean if I had a penny every time I heard a guy say, “You took advantage of my feelings for you”, I’d be a frigging billionaire today.
So in a bid to clear the air and preserve future friendships WITHOUT that tiny organ getting in the way, I’ll attempt to explain why we keep getting our signals all muddled up and royally screwing up every good thing that happens in the form of the opposite sex. Perhaps we’ll reach a compromise eventually and hopefully everyone—men and women—can go home happy.

What does a man see when he approaches a woman?
It’s pretty much straight forward. Our one-track-mind better halves have a lot of difficulty seeing beyond their immediate desires…obviously. To them it’s either what they want or nothing at all. You are either friend material at first glance, or girl friend material. Anything suggestion to the contrary is not welcome, thank you.
Briefly summarized:
Brains+Ass+Boobs+(personality)=Girl friend material.
Brains+Ass+(Boobs)+(personality)=Friend material.
ABSOLUTELY NO MIDDLE GROUND.

What does a woman see when she meets a guy?
Women are unarguably the most complex creatures in God’s green Earth. So how do you figure out what she thinks about you? You can’t. Unless she tells you, reading her body language and speech pattern is absolutely useless (please do not make the mistake of trying this unless you have psychic powers).

There are three reasons a woman will be attracted (not necessarily romantically) to you:
You’re drop dead gorgeous. You’re stinking rich. You’re Einstein smart. OK, maybe not to the extreme like I just suggested, but I believe you get the point (you could however fall in the category of triple threat extraordinaire).

Women unlike men as a general rule don’t start off relationships ‘heart first, head later’. We like to take our time getting to know more about you. More importantly is that you may not ever be lucky enough to grace our ‘potential boyfriend’ list…EVER. But when we like you, well we’ll want to keep you.
Even so, the wait can be tiring seeing as men aren’t the most patient beings around, and women will take twice as much time picking a beau as she would choosing the perfect nail polish.

So while waiting in limbo here are a couple of things you could chew on:
1. You aren’t the only guy who wants her. A girl is allowed to be confused if there are many eligible bachelors seeking out her awesomeness. You observed and found her ‘worthy’ of you, give her time to decide where and how you fit into her life too. Be considerate.

2. While you’re hoping she sees something more special than friendship in you, do remember she will treat you like everybody else she likes. She’ll flirt, place her head on your shoulder, laugh at your jokes, call your mobile phone and spend long hours talking with you, maintain eye contact and smile from across the room. She’ll use phrases like, “you abandoned me” and it still wouldn’t be giving the green light to her. Why? Because that’s how she is with her friends, and right now that’s exactly what you are. Women are more mentally flexible than their male counterpart, which means we can crisscross the line between friend and lover flawlessly while keeping to heart who plays what role to us. Don’t over think things.

3. You may never have her. But really isn’t that what life is all about: chances, risks, frigging probabilities? You may never become anything more than the Bradley Cooper-Mark Zuckerberg-Einstein-like guy who she just likes…as a friend.
So decide if she’s worth having around at all(come on there must be something that made her worth having around in the first place) and if you can stand the impending heart break you just might receive always bearing in mind that to her you are friends first. Be realistic.

That said, since I promised a compromise I’ll deliver. The men are pretty much covered, so ladies:
Men have delicate sensibilities, handle them with kid gloves. Decide if he is worth falling in your boyfriend list(you can achieve this speedily by keeping a checklist of potential boify attributes, unless love happens and you chuck it out the window). If his performance is not satisfactory , let him know. Being friend zoned by a girl you’re literally dying for is as bad as being raped(it is emotional rape). If you think he has a chance with you then let him know, but be sure to tell him he’s got major competition(s) too and could possibly lose(just in case he loves to build sand castles). No matter how difficult it will be, try not to flirt with him. Men can’t always differentiate between green lights and no lights(they aren’t wired that way).

There, case solved.

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15 thoughts on “Romantic relationships: Understanding the opposite sex.

    • uju November 25, 2014 / 10:35 am

      Lol. I’m a woman who believes that both sexes are as equal as their various roles dictates. That harmony is what we should really strive for, and no particular sex is really anymore powerful than the other.

      What does that make me?

      Like

  1. Lizzieebunoluwa September 25, 2014 / 6:00 pm

    I think, no scratch that, I love Ty! He’s got such depth!!! Hmmm…

    Like

    • uju September 25, 2014 / 6:06 pm

      I think we all do

      Like

  2. Mathew briggs April 11, 2014 / 3:06 pm

    @Tyrion86 I just discovered I misspelt your handle in my first post. I am sorry about that.

    @blog link I had a nice read. Moreover I get your point regarding the need for exclusivity in matters regarding love. I also agree that it is important to simply zero in on that one individual, the one you love.

    But the only scenario where I think that’s helpful is when you both are clearly in a relationship not during the wooing phase or that phase when she is still confused as to what she wants you to be in her life.

    The truth is that what you feel at that stage for her ain’t love. Its simply attraction. Love takes a while to grow and till it grows I.e till you both decide to commit your self to a relationship to become exclusive, you are free to keep your options wide open… Just like she is doing by stringing her many suitors along.

    @Ujuh I think what you are really afraid of is fact that when you tell him exactly how you feel about him… The way he behaves towards you might change. He may start drifting away and may not be all that loving and caring as he used to.

    The fact is you want the romance, the attention, the teasing, the care, but without the commitment part … Just as most guys want sex without the commitment part.
    And yes you are right that’s selfish. I know this is a very bitter truth to swallow

    I think a guy would respect a lady more when she is truthful and plain with him… But might resent her when he discover she was just basicly stringing him…playing with his emotions by sending him conflicting signals, thereby raising his hope only to dash them to the ground.

    I prefers it if she says to me “Mathew you are a great guy, I like you but the fact is that I am not yet ready emotionally, I am not sure of how I really feel about you. I wouldn’t mind having you as a friend as I sort this out. I know you might want to drift away from me but please don’t, I still want you to me part of my life, I really do”.

    When she tells me the above she has won my respect and trust. I get to respect her the more if she make this know very early on during my interaction with her.

    In summary Ujuh I agree with your reply to my earlier comment.

    “Yes she is entitled to keep her options open TILL THE LOVE DANCE BEGINS, so do you as a guy. I think that summarize one of the key points I tried to pass across in my earlier comment. @Tyrion86 take note,

    @Ujuh I think you are a pretty smart lady with the good intentions, I believe you will soon sort out the issue you have with your friend. I leave you with your own words which you shared with me when I went through something similar.

    “Burned bridges are hard to mend, not impossible. We just need to be willing to rebuild that trust again or settle for something closely related.
    I really hope you two can fix this someday……after you are past the hurt and anger that comes with it. I know I’m not there yet, but I don’t think it’s impossible.” – Uj sizzle

    #Mathew Briggs

    Like

    • tyrion86 April 11, 2014 / 7:18 pm

      Hello again, @Matthew Briggs.

      No worries about the misspelling. 🙂

      About my position on keeping options open, I was not stating what ought to be or what one should do in love. I was telling you how love works. When you love someone, whether you think you should be or not be, you will be exclusive with them. When you are only just meeting someone, you cannot speak of being in love with them, you may find something about them extremely attractive, but love is another matter. You love someone you know you can trust.

      That means that you have made a choice already, a choice based on something you know. And you can love someone before ever they know that you exist. It does not have to have a return path to happen at all. Thus, you focus your whole self on her even though you are only wooing her. It’s a tremendous risk all the time. Matter of fact, you cannot truly woo a lady whom you have not chosen to the exclusion of others. As long as she’s only one possibility out of many, you are not talking love. Love is the “all in” move you make in blackjack. There are no halves here.

      Like

  3. tyrion86 April 11, 2014 / 8:49 am

    Hi, @livelytwist, I completely agree with the honesty part. I made a recent post on my blog about the nature of Love that dealt a lot with that. I’ll agree that I’m an anachronism if it helps anyone sleep better but being old school is not necessarily synonymous with being wrong.

    @Ujuh, man is selfish, maybe, but that’s a little like saying that a ruler is bent. Either may be true but neither is as it should be. Selfish is not man’s true nature any more than the flu is a normal health condition because many people or everyone’s got it.

    About your friend, I’m sorry. Life is tough like that. There’s a reason very few divorces end amicably: the sense of betrayal, the feeling of being used, the frightening feeling of exposure, the terrible desire to be loved and to matter more to the other than anything and anyone else – these things make it extremely difficult to relate after a rejection. You’ll have to wait for him to heal and that’ll take new love. Perhaps it really will never be the same again – friendship that comes with romantic love is priceless, it’s the stuff of marriage, if somehow you both end up in love with each other, you will probably have it or better again; if not, all you can hope for is a somewhat “lessened” friendship when he heals. Love involves massive trust and unless you can reciprocate that trust, it’s not likely that he will trust you as much again.

    @Matthew Briggs, hi. I would have to reproduce a lot of my blog post to answer you so please allow me to direct you to https://withintherock.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/preoccupation-love-what-is-it/ For now, I’ll say quite simply: when you choose your partner whether in the right way and for the right reasons or not, pretty much nobody else will matter enough to significantly offset the loneliness and hunger that wanting to be with them generates. Love is frightfully exclusive in nature. That is what makes it the pain it can be. If you can keep options, you’re not there yet. You zero in and give all the shots you’ve got when you’re in love until you know there’s nothing left and nothing’s coming back. That is when you can let go, I don’t mean that it is when you will want to, I mean that it is when you CAN.

    Love is very simple but extremely costly. Once you reduce the price, you’re dealing with something else.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Mathew briggs April 10, 2014 / 7:10 pm

    Quite an enlightening piece you have up here @Uju… @TyLynister very well said.

    Truth be told I have come to realize the truth in the content of your post the hard way. And have learnt never to take the words of a woman, her actions or flirtations very serious. Until she clearly states her mind

    The mistake a guy can ever make is to think that when she hugs and kisses you, when whe blushes whenever you flatter her or when she give you pet names etc … that this means she likes you… Truth is you might be one among many other guys on her list. Moreover that should be the least of your worries.

    The following should …
    The fact is women are creatures of attention,… they enjoy and feed off it. In most cases the amount of attention she get from guys defines how she feels about her self… about how attractive and beautiful she thinks she is.

    The truth is that in most cases, she deep down already knows who among her suitors really stands a chance… But she might proceed to do away with the rest she instead string all of them along due to the fun she is having and the ego bust she receives from the whole ordeal.

    So it no biggie if she keeps you in limbo just because for her, she is basically enjoying the attention you’re giving her … #True story

    Moreover just like @OP stated she might just be really confused as to who to pick out of the many lot or really cool guys that surround her.

    But whatever the case may be as a guy the best way to handle this or avoid this is to.

    1. While she keeps you in limbo, that stage where you are yet to discover what she thinks out about you. Live your life, and keep as many options as possible. Prepare for the worst case scenario, never nurse any form of hope until she decides and tells you plainly she want to be with until then I repeat keep you options WIDE OPEN. it would be disastrous if at the end you discover she ain’t into you. What a waste of your precious time. You can only close your options when you both become an item.

    2. When you like a lady give her less attention, give her space treat her like you would do to any other female friend never go over board in displaying your affection … the truth is that if you are really the real deal she would come after you no matter what … #True story.

    3. If your goal is for something serious go for more emotionally mature ladies, avoid chronic flirts, teenagers or young Twenty something’s who are just entering the dating game … Mature ladies have experienced life and in most cases know what they want. They are direct, and less confused.

    NB. Pls note the real factor here is “emotional maturity”… she might be young and be emotionally mature and vice versa. But age is a pretty good pointer.

    4. Let you intentions know very early so she is not in doubt of what what type of relationship you really want from her… but never pressure her for a reply. If she friend zones you. That is not the end of the world. She is not the only woman on planet earth and the awesome thing is that there is always someone better than her out there. So when this happens ask your self is she worth having around as a friend if yes… keep her around and treat her the way you do a friend. If not destroy all ties and quickly move on.

    #Mathew Briggs

    Like

    • ujuh April 11, 2014 / 9:21 am

      My favorite geek 🙂
      So women like attention, I agree. But not just from anybody; it’s attention from someone she already likes.
      So maybe we shouldn’t ‘string’ men along, but most times what you calling stringing really is the period when she is trying to sort out who is best for her. I’m sorry most times there are ‘collateral damages'(for lack of a better expression), but one shouldn’t think it was a deliberate action on her part…it isn’t always the case. If there’s anything i’ve learnt over the years, is that so long you don’t hate a man–and i mean that the mere sight or thought of him makes you wanna puke–then he is as eligible as one can get, right until he begins to unfold every facet of himself and you decide which you can or can’t live with.
      So sure, keep your options open if you aren’t already doing the love dance, or have a l’il hope knowing that you could as well be dashed against the wall. Then decide if it was worth it after all.

      Like

  5. livelytwist April 9, 2014 / 8:41 pm

    I enjoyed reading your thoughts and liked the perspective Tyrion 86 shared. The more men and women learn about each other, the better our relationships would be, at least in theory 😉 (the heart is not so smart).

    I’m sorry you lost touch with a friend. Maybe if we are honest about our feelings as relationships progress we can limit ‘break-ups’ or manage them?

    Liked by 1 person

    • ujuh April 10, 2014 / 12:06 pm

      I don’t know about being ‘honest’ about our feelings. Sometimes I think certain feelings should just be kept private especially if we realize we aren’t on the same page(or perhaps book). Maybe that’s a selfish thought…I mean not telling, but man is selfish by nature, right?
      ….sigh
      My friend…we’re working it out albeit slowly, but I fear things may never be the same again.

      Like

      • livelytwist April 10, 2014 / 12:51 pm

        @friend, all the best. Been there, but it took time to restore.
        @feelings, sometimes sure.

        Like

  6. tyrion86 April 3, 2014 / 5:24 pm

    LOL. How do you know he wasn’t? He was a ruler, you know; those people are forever writing: long incomprehensible laws, long confusing threats, long marital arrangements and whatnot.

    The “advice” is not an easy one to take because love (by which I don’t mean the emotional response or the choice to be with someone, rather the person that elicits that response or choice from you) sometimes takes you utterly by surprise. It’s hard to give up the one person you think you fit perfectly with and who inspires you to take on life day after day just because you are still faced with life’s basic challenges.

    Like

  7. tyrion86 April 3, 2014 / 9:59 am

    Only one thing to correct really 🙂
    Men do not love “heart first, head later”. They can’t tell at first glance where a girl belongs in their life. They see all girls in a sexual sense first but as interaction continues they can tell what they want to do with one or another.
    Sometimes though, like you said, a man learns a whole lot about a woman before she ever even knows he exists and he knows he wants her for more than platonic friendship. Things might get a little bit tough then because while you are only just getting to know him and decide where he fits in your life, he’s reserved the innermost chamber of his heart for you. It takes maturity on his part to take things at your speed and a man who has not gained maturity (that is, answered life’s basic challenges issued at him) may not be very patient. Pursuing you imperceptibly and answering life’s challenges may make him feel like he’s pulled in every direction at once and that might drive him a little crazy so he tries to fix one and get to the other later, so he might disappear unceremoniously on you or he might push you to make a decision about him so that he can attend to the challenges he is faced with knowing he has resolved the biggest thing in his life.
    The wiser path obviously is not to push you into making a decision. But who says that men in love are always wise? Besides, generally when a man has a fight with life and he has a woman he thinks is meant for him, he derives strength from her to face his fights. So he may be unable to just ignore how much he wants her and vanish to go face life’s basic battles.
    This is why I think it is best that a man settle down economically and otherwise before he starts talking of love. Not doing so can be a lesson in frustration and tears.

    Liked by 3 people

    • ujuh April 3, 2014 / 10:25 am

      You sure love to write these epistles, don’t you Ty? Lannister was never like this 😛

      I hope men out there take your advice though.

      Like

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