Free Fall

free-fall.jpg

This is the first time I’m doing this–writing without thinking. Sometimes I have thoughts and words buzzing in my head, that i can’t seem to communicate. Feels like some disability of sort, epilepsy of the mind perhaps? Which someone was kind enough to term ‘writers block’. And other times when I manage to get something coherent out, I feel stupid afterwards.

You think maybe that’s some complex? I don’t feel inferior to anybody, intellectually intimidatedto a few I guess, but never inferior.ย  So what do we call this?

Life is hard. Love is hard. Family can be difficult. And rambling is hard too–which is what I’m doing. My new friend, Archeopetryx says sometimes a rant is good, “it clears the cobweb of the mind”. I guess that makes it as good as seeing a shrink then.

Considerย this an act of removing the cobwebs of my mind then. I’m going on a rantpage.
I’m 24, I’ll be 40 soon. I’ve felt like I’m carrying a chip on my shoulder for weeks now–which isn’t abnormal for me except that it’s affecting my regular life currently.
Let’s take inventory:
*Countless blogging topics; no update since the 19th of May–I’ve been counting.
*Movies to watch and great friends to hang out with; no urge to leave the little confinement that I’ve created for me.
*Falling in what I’d probably call love without the faintest idea what I’m doing.
*Listening to sappy songs that make me want to bawl like a baby–Styx’s Show Me The Way now playing.
*Wanting so bad to run away for a year. Bad idea I know.
*And since 10minutes ago, wanting to dance the Samba–thank you Rio.
It isn’t exhaustive, but I’ll stop here before I begin to sound like a drone.

This brings us to the root of my dilemma: Repression. I’d attempt to define the word more elaborately, but let’s stop at ‘control’. I’m such a control freak–with my life alone.
Some handbag psychology article I read sometime ago said women are designed to make room for their problems–hence the bags, while men compartmentalize–hence wallets. Problem is I love wallets. Handbags are so bulky! So I carry wallets in my hand–and head.
How possible is it that someone messed up the design that is me?
Creating compartments is the first stage of repression. I mean all that weight has got to go somewhere they don’t get to affect everything else, right? So I pick, weigh the implication of a slight digression from the grand plan, decide if it’s worth handling now, and if it’s not, file and push into a mental cabinet to be retrieved some other time. Neat and tidy.

So what happens when the compartment is full?
I think most men have wallets that are falling apart. Begs the questions: Aren’t wallets sold in the stores? If they are, is there some bro code that mandates one to use a wallet for 50years less 1, or do you make a “forever and always” pact with it?
Wallets fall apart when so much is jammed into it, and whatever pressure that’s kept it together–say the hook–is lost. A lot of mental energy is needed to repress thoughts and emotions, so I guess when you divert that energy to something else at once–say a crash course…..boom. In essence, the pressure that holds everything in place crumbles and our emotions come tumbling out.
That’s where I am. My list + has been poking out from various spots demanding attention at the same time, and I fear I may end up like crazy pants Amara (Vampire Diaries).
Or maybe I won’t.
How does one handle a spilling wallet of unprocessed thoughts and emotions without falling apart?
Show me the way

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24 thoughts on “Free Fall

  1. Holistic Wayfarer August 10, 2014 / 12:33 am

    So getting to the bottom of it: I hope he’s worth all the pining. LOL.
    Seriously, I hope you’re doing better (and that you didn’t chase eh hem). And you really should Samba. I convinced my husband to try it when we met swing dancing. My hips just seem to go….

    Xxx
    Diana

    Like

    • uju August 10, 2014 / 1:25 pm

      Lol Bull’s eyes Diana ๐Ÿ˜€ I still don’t have an honest answer to that yet, but I’m better than I was before; and No I didn’t chase eh hem….

      Samba eh? I’m adding that to my bucket list ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

      • Holistic Wayfarer August 10, 2014 / 2:08 pm

        Samba is SO much fun it just might even get you out of the funk Cupid sunk you in.

        Like

      • uju August 10, 2014 / 4:38 pm

        That’s it! If it’s therapeutic then I’m in.

        I was thinking days ago of how you hadn’t updated your blog for some time now. Summer blues?

        Like

  2. Emeka June 19, 2014 / 3:28 pm

    When your wallet spills, keep ranting even if it doesn’t make sense to you. you’d be surprised at the impact it could make. Giving up shouldn’t be an option sha.

    Like

    • uju June 19, 2014 / 7:07 pm

      I keep getting the advice to go on a free writing/ranting spree. I’ll do just that ๐Ÿ™‚
      Thank you, Emeka.

      Like

  3. elkelorraine June 4, 2014 / 7:08 pm

    This was brilliant. Enjoyed reading about your free fall of anxieties. My favorite had to bee your concern for turning 40. Sorry, yes, it’ll be here before you know it. But if you’re anything like me, you’ll embrace it entirely. Then you’ll look back at this post and wonder about your 24 year old self with a shake of the head. And I tell my husband all the time to get himself a new wallet. Not sure if there’s a bro code for wallets, but I’m starting to believe so. Looking forward to your other posts.

    Like

    • ujuh June 5, 2014 / 6:26 am

      Thank you for your kind words, elkelorraine. I’ll remember this post and you when I turn 40 ๐Ÿ™‚

      Great you have a man who proves this theory right. Bring out the wine and get him to tell you the secret eh? ๐Ÿ˜€

      Like

  4. Zarah June 3, 2014 / 11:35 pm

    Don’t bother with handbags … get a USB stick to store your random thoughts. Preferably 64 GB or thereabouts. That should be enough space for everything. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Like

    • ujuh June 4, 2014 / 5:57 am

      Hah technology to the rescue. What a brilliant idea! ๐Ÿ˜€

      Like

  5. livelytwist June 3, 2014 / 8:24 pm

    This is the definition of ranting I guess. You can train yourself to write a decent blog post when you don’t feel like it. Just hammer one sentence at a time. Or scroll through daily prompts.

    A long time a go, I memorized this: Life is round and that place that seems like the end may just be the beginning ๐Ÿ™‚
    Signing off before I start ranting!

    Like

    • ujuh June 4, 2014 / 5:12 am

      You’re such a fountain of wisdom, Timi. Thank you.

      I’m certain you’ll rant with such grace if you ever decide to ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Like

  6. ericjbaker June 3, 2014 / 5:51 pm

    Everybody has those feelings you’re feeling. Everyone feels motivated sometimes and lazy other times. Everybody can’t sleep sometimes with all the crazy stuff buzzing around and can’t communicate sometimes either. You are acting like a human being.

    Just 15 minutes ago I was speaking to a friend about your age and she said a lot of the same things, though in different words. I told her she’s trying to be too many things to too many people and trying to be something impossible to herself. I don’t think she listened to me.

    By the way, I carry a handbag and I love it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Like

    • ujuh June 3, 2014 / 6:16 pm

      “told her sheโ€™s trying to be too many things to too many people and trying to be something impossible to herself” –Sums it up ๐Ÿ˜ฆ This is one of what i was going to write about, and everytime my mind blanked out.
      How do I fix this eh?

      P.S. i hope you don’t toothpicks in yours(a friend of mine does) ๐Ÿ˜€

      Like

      • ericjbaker June 3, 2014 / 6:26 pm

        Find a way to simply your life, I guess.

        But don’t give up blogging!

        Like

      • ujuh June 4, 2014 / 5:04 am

        I will.
        I already thought of giving up blogging, then un-thought it again. If I ever consider it again, I’ll be sure to stop by your blog for good ‘ole if-you-go-i’ll-use-your-intestines-to-make-noodle soup scare ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
        Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚

        Like

  7. makagutu June 3, 2014 / 5:13 pm

    You can rant!
    Don’t worry, I have books I have been reading for so long I am not close to finishing, blogging topics somewhere in my head but not on paper and I enjoy my little space. It has never been a concern for me and in fact most times I don’t even notice.

    Like

    • ujuh June 3, 2014 / 5:37 pm

      OMGMak, is that short for “Go get a frigging handbag”? Dammit ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

      Like

      • makagutu June 3, 2014 / 5:38 pm

        Far from it, it is saying get a smaller wallet ๐Ÿ˜€
        I don’t like those bulky handbags

        Like

    • ujuh June 3, 2014 / 6:22 pm

      Smaller wallet? You’re talking to someone whose definition of travelling light is to carry a small bag with everything she’ll need and not need jammed inside miraculously.

      Like

      • makagutu June 3, 2014 / 6:23 pm

        My idea of travelling light is to have some cash in the pocket and then just go

        Like

    • ujuh June 4, 2014 / 4:59 am

      I want your body!

      Wait, that didn’t come out right ๐Ÿ˜€

      Like

      • makagutu June 4, 2014 / 5:00 am

        Hahahaha
        Good morning friend ?
        You can have it all you want. Where do you want to start?

        Like

      • ujuh June 4, 2014 / 6:00 am

        Good day to you too. Aren’t you generous; let’s start with your brain ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Like

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