Who Is A Monster And Who Is A Man

Photo credit: www.overstock.com

Simi made her way to the bathroom. She’d left her companion with their bags at the airport lobby, waiting for their flight to the States where a new life would begin for her.
As she made the turn, she bumped into a moving object. Supplies tumbled to the ground and in a flurry hands reached down to rescue rolling items.
Two pairs of eyes met. Held.

The flashback had her reeling.

They had met nine years ago on a wrong turn. Strong arms had reached out to steady her and captivating brown eyes arrested her. He seemed to like her too, though she wasn’t sure why.
They began seeing each other before deciding the attraction was too strong for a platonic level.

And so a promising relationship bloomed over the coming years. He took her home to meet his family and they would often spend their weekends together.
Their relationship could only possibly be headed in one direction. So when he called her one morning to set a date for later that night , her heart soared.  She knew the time was here.

Over dinner she sat, staring at the face of the man she loved. He reached for her hands, clasped then between his and uttered the words that would change her life.

“Simi, we can’t continue with this relationship.”
Her smile froze in place. She couldn’t have heard him right.

“I know we have been seeing each other for a long time now, but my parents are against my marrying someone from another tribe. You know I’m the first son,” he said.

“You what?” She croaked. Then finding her voice, “Chima you knew what I was all these years! Eight years after and you just realised your parents don’t want you married to a Yoruba girl?”

She could feel her world crumbling. Why her? She’d turned down all her suitors for him and now this?
She cried. Begged. He apologized.

Two days after he got married to another woman.

I read an online journal which narrated the story of a man who had left his “main chic” to marry his “side chic”. The narrator seemed pretty happy for the couple, but I couldn’t help but wonder why anyone would choose to do something like that to a woman who’s spent years with him.
Was she a slut for having sex with him?
Should having a shady past make her unworthy of a desired male?
Does a woman’s marriage worthiness depreciate the longer she stays indefinitely with a man?

I say this knowing there are those who would woo a woman without the intention of settling down with her. Perhaps this is another classic case of ‘good girl dating bad guy, but taking the good guy home’ only now it’s reversed. Or maybe it is just another example of how people have the capacity to hurt others emotionally.

How then do we curb this, stay safe?
Kill relationships entirely?
Have specific timelines by which to judge it’s possibility of being permanent?
Not having sex? I learned it’s more difficult to let go of someone you’ve known in the biblical way.

Who is a monster and who is a man?

Simi gave Chima her heart. He broke it. The end.

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46 thoughts on “Who Is A Monster And Who Is A Man

  1. what causes mesothelioma January 14, 2015 / 11:15 am

    Hi there colleagues, fastidious article and nice urging comment at this place,
    I am in fact enjoying these.

    Like

    • uju January 19, 2015 / 7:28 am

      Glad you enjoy it 🙂

      Like

  2. olisakwerah December 31, 2014 / 10:26 am

    Sad. Very sad. I hate to hear tales like this but it happens. If Chima represents all men, then the subjects in the title of this piece cannot be separated. Any man who does this to a woman is a monster.

    Yea, I know the popular saying that ‘men can fake a whole relationship’ but ladies should keep their eyes and other senses open…there are always signs and indicators to suggest that ur man is not entirely into u.

    Liked by 1 person

    • uju January 1, 2015 / 6:55 am

      Sometimes it’s a lot easier to choose to ignore those signs you speak about because we…..oh we love to hope.

      Like

  3. Holistic Wayfarer November 15, 2014 / 12:40 am

    I have not only seen this scenario played out so many times (where the guy breaks up with the girl he had on a string for 7, 8 years only to marry someone else soon after), the first-son thing is so Korean. It is FASCINATING to see such striking commonalities across vastly different cultures. There are high expectations tied to the first son among Koreans, though less so with my generation on down. And I know the caste system within a stratum is not native only to India, though it’s subtler in other cultures. Yeah, it is the women who suffer in this clash with culture. I’m wondering aloud why….I suppose bc their culture affords them less options.

    Like

    • uju November 15, 2014 / 6:58 am

      I’m just as fascinated as you are, Diana. It’s nice learning about different cultures across the globe in an engaging manner 🙂 And just like you I think the women suffer most because they have fewer options.

      Thanks for the correction. Strange how our brain interprets things as they should be, rather than what the eyes sees. You’re very observant and meticulous 🙂

      Always a pleasure having you around.

      Like

      • Holistic Wayfarer November 15, 2014 / 1:46 pm

        BAH – I really wanted you to blip it. Gracious and humble of you, but no need to keep it up.

        =)

        Like

  4. yemi November 11, 2014 / 5:08 pm

    am sure you it would work well and make the dude a yoruba guy (my sentiments)..

    but truth be told inter/intra tribal marriages ain’t a bad idea, it’s the various individual/general experiences and insecurity that causes most rejection of such union from family and friends..

    after all the evil being afraid of is also perpetuated in marriages from the same tribe of which I have heard of people saying that can’t marry men from their tribe..

    finally, I feel it’s based on the two people involved and their packages..

    Liked by 1 person

  5. yemi November 10, 2014 / 12:06 am

    ..sorry just saw your reply..
    Well it’s not about setting a time frame but knowing where your relationship would end up from the inception and getting to know his /her family system codes of conduct..

    you know sometimes parents don’t approve of a relationship from the onset but wait that hopefully there would be a breakup but when they realise that ain’t happening that is when they call their child and show disapproval..This causes a lot of problems because the guy/lady might not know how to break the news to the other person till its too late..

    for me opening the legs should always wait till there is a ring on the finger else you become part of his score..

    finally, anytime one sees the relationship deviating from what was planned at the onset then you address it instantly to avoid becoming the side chick..

    I hope I have been able to summarise and am not saying it’s all going to work as I said that’s why it’s called life..

    Like

    • uju November 10, 2014 / 6:55 am

      How do you know where it will end up? It is said that the heart of man (I mean both sexes here) is full of deceit. One can only guess as to what another’s intentions truly are, and trust that what they say is true. But what if it isn’t, and like Simi, you trust too much until nothing is left for you in the end?

      If it takes a person too long to tell his partner the situation of things, then he’s only been deceiving her all along. Why was it so easy to arrange a wedding with another woman then?

      I agree however with your solution and a touch of Eric’s: Stay away from sex so the pain is a lot easier to bear. Have an actual life so you have something to go back to. It’s a crazy world out there; the best you can do is hold on to the things that make your world seem a little sane.

      Thanks for coming over Yemi.

      Like

      • yemi November 10, 2014 / 4:59 pm

        you can’t be 100% certain where you would end up. what am saying is at the very beginning you guys define the relationship and if you are from a different tribe you ask him/her and also when you are meeting the parents for the first time which you should early in such situation you let them know clearly..

        with that you can start planing how to win them over or move on..in a similar case a friend of mine was able to win the girls family(nuclear + extended) over after 7 years..

        the truth is its kinda complicated when one is faced with informing the other person about the family’s non-acceptance. some take the right decision by informing the other person while others dont..

        you are welcome ma..

        Like

        • uju November 10, 2014 / 7:11 pm

          Hmmm I get your point now 🙂

          Like

      • yemi November 10, 2014 / 8:06 pm

        cool hope you would marry someone from another tribe..lols

        Like

      • uju November 11, 2014 / 9:28 am

        Lol! Biko we’ll see how that works 😀

        Like

  6. ifemmanuel November 7, 2014 / 6:18 am

    In today’s culture, a man is almost synonymous to a monster now, so I’m not even sure of how to appropriately approach the question of distinguishing between the two.

    Relationships are enigmatic and scary. There’s no manual to save us from monsters (male or female). One can only pray, open the eyes wide, and learn from people’s mistakes.

    A lot has been said about inter-tribal marriages. What baffles me is how much of the older generation’s sentiments are still deeply rooted in this generation. We can blame the parents for they’re easy scapegoats, but we sometimes bend because we agree with them.

    I have not met a Nigerian parent who if given a choice between a child that never marries and one that marries outside the tribe, chooses the former.

    Liked by 1 person

    • pkboo November 7, 2014 / 7:10 am

      I think we should be issue based and not try to paint parents as bad just because we can

      I don’t know of any parent who will prefer his child not marry because the alternative is an inter ethnic union.

      Like

    • uju November 8, 2014 / 4:59 am

      “I have not met a Nigerian parent who if given a choice between a child that never marries and one that marries outside the tribe, chooses the former.”

      This looks more like a choice between two ‘evils’. If it takes the fear of having an unmarried child to let go of tribal sentiments, then our country obviously has a long way to go.

      And I think sometimes we agree with our parents because we’d rather not fight with them. Family hold a sacred place in our society, and sometimes we bend to preserve it, even to our own detriment.

      Like

      • ifemmanuel November 9, 2014 / 9:42 pm

        Uju, of course our country has a long way to go and it doesn’t even take my hypothetical case to show that. However, a natio-wide solution is not what will chase away those inter-tribal sentiments. This is a war that has to be fought in sitting rooms all over the country.

        Yes, family holds a sacred place in our society, but we are often not reluctant to renege against family values in matters of money, power or other seemingly profitable things so, how is it more difficult in what we all agree is the all-conquering love?

        As far as I’m concerned, we are just not ready to shed our tribal sentiments. All we do is pay lip-service to being detribalised. We should start putting our ‘marital monies’ where our ‘detrabalised mouths’ is.

        Like

        • pkboo November 9, 2014 / 9:48 pm

          “Marital money, detribalised mouths”

          How does that solve the issue of a man jilting his lover of many years or does it not happen even in the same tribe

          Making this issue about tribe is clouding the whole post

          Like

          • uju November 10, 2014 / 7:08 am

            I guess there isn’t an answer for that after all. Morality is dead, and Chivalry is fast on it’s way to the noose too.

            Like

        • uju November 10, 2014 / 7:06 am

          “As far as I’m concerned, we are just not ready to shed our tribal sentiments. All we do is pay lip-service to being detribalised”

          I actually have a draft with this statement paraphrased.

          You know the thing about principles? It’s a lot like religion. You believe what you know to be true, even if it has taken years of mental conditioning to get you there. Do you know what it is like for a christian to turn into an atheist? Very confusing and a crazy battle. It starts with the “what if…”
          I believe that’s a battle people struggle with all the time.
          Like Nida said, most times we believe our parents know more than we do, through years of experience and age. So even if we have our love so strong, one may begin to question himself. What I my folks are right about these people? What if inter-tribal marriages don’t really work? What if people who are stuck in it actually have difficulties, but refuse to tell because of shame?

          I spent the weekend with a Yoruba couple a year ago. One day the woman said to me, “Uju no matter what happens, marry from your tribe. Forget the stories of tribalism and all that, marriage isn’t something you want to experiment with. I’m saying this because I have a number of young men and women in my family who tried that and are living with the consequences now.”

          What do you do when you hear advice like this? Life is a gamble in itself, but some people really prefer to fold rather than lose everything.

          Like

      • ifemmanuel November 9, 2014 / 10:55 pm

        Pkboo, I already said I have nothing to add to the issue of the ‘monster man’. I was more interested in the comments that followed on the issue of inter-tribal marriages.

        Sorry if it looks like I’m clouding the post, I’m simply choosing to respond to an aspect of the it.

        I should add, however, that there’s nothing we can say about the man. We can never fully discern his intentions, the best we can come up with is conjecture.

        Like

        • pkboo November 10, 2014 / 7:01 am

          I get your point however you fail to acknowledge the progress made over the years

          I see a lot of interethnic marriage around me and things don’t see so bad
          We have less of interference from in-laws which means wives are not as persecuted as they used to be in the past

          The in-laws are also educated unlike the illiterates of the old era.

          Exposure has helped

          Let’s not be negative just because we can

          Like

        • uju November 10, 2014 / 7:09 am

          “I should add, however, that there’s nothing we can say about the man. We can never fully discern his intentions, the best we can come up with is conjecture.”

          I’d really love to hear this ‘conjecture’ you speak about. Are there possible excuses for his action?

          Like

  7. Stan November 3, 2014 / 7:17 pm

    In a place like the US as Terrence puts it, you may never find issues as this relating to tribe, except from migrants sticking to their old ideology.
    Nigeria and several other countries are multi (racial, tribal, ethnic, clans etc). It boils down to individual understanding and how best they handle situations. There are several cases of inter-marriages which blossomed to the highest heavens and several others, disaster.

    The dude in this case is inhuman. To have concealed this idea all the while and breaking the news to get wedded 2days after is just not right.

    Like

    • uju November 3, 2014 / 7:34 pm

      Like you rightly said, it all boils down to understanding, and let me add how far you are willing to stick your neck out to make the ‘odd’ one feel at home.
      I know what it’s like being among people with a culture so different from what you’ve known all your life.

      As for the man in the story, I’m glad we all agree on the state of his heart.

      Like

  8. pkboo November 3, 2014 / 6:33 am

    Interesting story…. but shows the clash of traditional vs modern mate selection where people now Co habit and marriage is less of the goal or they marry much later eg brangelina

    Well there will be more of these sort of arrangements so I don’t see anything to it

    Marrying someone shortly after ditching simi is not the best but that’s life

    Consequences of civilization

    Like

    • uju November 3, 2014 / 10:30 am

      Freedom is slavery (1984). Maybe it’s time to go back to the old ways.

      Like

      • pkboo November 3, 2014 / 10:34 am

        The wheels of progress(sic) are moving and can’t go back. Don’t forget you ladies say the old days were parochial and paternalistic

        Lol

        Like

        • uju November 3, 2014 / 10:37 am

          I was speaking with Holistic Wayfarer on the African post, and we talked about importing culture. Problem is we can’t (or maybe won’t) sift through it. What’s wrong with choosing progress without the additional evils that comes with abusing freedom?

          Like

      • pkboo November 3, 2014 / 10:40 am

        Interesting….

        This can.only work in a culture where its adherents are proud of

        Don’t forget women are the custodians of culture

        Asians are able.to blend their culture with the occidental one

        Like

        • uju November 3, 2014 / 10:48 am

          Maybe the women wouldn’t feel the need to embrace everything different if they didn’t feel so stiffened by their men. Cause and effect?

          Like

      • pkboo November 3, 2014 / 11:02 am

        Possibly…
        Possibly not

        Who knows 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  9. ericjbaker November 1, 2014 / 4:22 am

    Sometimes couples stay together because they are used to each other but they forget to keep loving. Then someone comes along to tempt one of the partners away. Being human is messy. It sounds romantic to “give yourself” over to another, but you have to live your own life first, or you can make sacrifices that aren’t rewarded.

    Then again, I have a tin heart.

    Like

    • uju November 1, 2014 / 5:10 am

      “but you have to live your own life first, or you can make sacrifices that aren’t rewarded.”

      I like the extra insights you bring, Eric.
      We need to remember that our lives do not revolve around the people we love (or it shouldn’t), so if the chips are ever down it wouldn’t be difficult pulling yourself together.
      I think they call that ‘hoping for the best but preparing for the worst’.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. terencetransparent October 31, 2014 / 7:49 pm

    You’ll have to excuse my ignorance of this subject, but can you tell me about the expectation to marry within a certain tribe? Being from the US, this is something I am unfamiliar with. Thanks!

    Like

    • uju November 1, 2014 / 4:58 am

      Amongst multi-ethnic societies, sometimes (most times) parents expect that their children marry within their ethnic group. To a great extent I believe it could be as a result of our different language and culture, and in Africa (Nigeria) our cultural heritage is placed on a pedestal. Likewise it is believed a woman is not just married to a man, but to a whole family.
      I’m guessing there are other reasons for that bias which I am privy to around the world though. But I believe in Nigeria the national hatred bred from the civil war could still be clouding some judgement.

      Like

  11. Nida S. October 31, 2014 / 3:17 pm

    It’s interesting how some things remain common throughout cultures and countries. In Pakistan, there is a huge majority that cannot think about marriages out of their defined family names, castes, tribes or whatever you may call it. It is not uncommon to see young couple breaking off serious relationships because family from either side opposes marriages etc. Then there are also people who know beforehand that their parents will never let them marry out of their family name, or tribe even as you say. And they just play along for the ‘fun’ of a fickle relationship. This is not as easy and single-track as it sounds. Family systems are stronger back home. It is not easy to dissuade parents or to bluntly go against their wishes. Many of us believe that parents know better. Even I belong to this line of thought. Eventually when I decided who I wanted to marry, my parents also agreed because they found everything OK. My family has no problems marrying out of family names so that was never an issue. But before that in a couple of relationships my parents pointed out the problems and as it turned out they were right. So like I said, its not as easy to explain or to draw conclusions from. Couple should be mature enough to decide for themselves and to understand the deep-set family systems or cultures that they bring along with their identities.

    Like

    • uju October 31, 2014 / 3:34 pm

      It’s nice learning about how our worlds and lives intersect on a universal level.
      Over the years I have come to realise that my relationships always (albeit subconsciously) try to fulfill whatever my parents’ desires would be.
      I know I do this because like you I believe our parents know a lot more than we do, and so I try to avoid situations that will put us ag loggerheads.
      Have I possibly lost potentially good relationships in the process? Probably. But we’ll never know for sure.

      “Couple should be mature enough to decide for themselves and to understand the deep-set family systems or cultures that they bring along with their identities.”

      I completely agree with this.

      Like

  12. livelytwist October 31, 2014 / 3:07 pm

    Hmmm. I don’t know if there is any formula to avoid heartbreak, one is dealing with humans after all. It seems unfair to date someone for 7 years and leave them in the 8th year because of ethnicity. It’s even more curious that he remarries 2 days later.

    Like

    • uju October 31, 2014 / 3:16 pm

      Main chic and Side chic. I’m guessing she was supposed to warm his bed till he was ready to settle down with the other girl. The story chilled me to the bones, Timi. I don’t understand how anyone could be this wicked.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. makagutu October 31, 2014 / 3:00 pm

    This rang close home. There are a number of relationships that have ended on the tribe question and I think it is bull. A person of marriageable age should be able to tell the parents to take a hike.
    But I don’t think they are monsters, maybe just stupid.

    Like

    • uju October 31, 2014 / 3:13 pm

      It’s a tough battle to fight against cultural sentiments, especially in Nigeria were we have hatred bred on a civil war to deal with. Even more surprising is how decades after, older generations still manage to pass this system on.

      Monsters= what do you have to say about his dating her for 8yrs and leaving her afterwards based on ethnicity?

      Liked by 1 person

      • makagutu October 31, 2014 / 3:16 pm

        Stupidity – monsters don’t do that to each other

        Like

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