Saints. Sinners. Standards. Sex.

For some time now I have told my friends how much of a hermit I’ve been. Well today I crawled out of the real-world cave, visited the internet and came upon a post on twitter. Now this post isn’t something new, it’s not even something fresh, but it brought to mind again a certain trend that’s weighed heavily on my heart.

Let’s start with some background information.

moral choice. right or wrong

I’ve realised that people like to look for a piece of them in others. Perhaps this is some way our minds build connections– kindred spirits– and makes it easier to bond with others with whom we share similar behavior. For instance, people who consider themselves ‘bad’ (sinners) will likely bond with other people who share an atom of ‘bad’ traits with them. Likewise goody-two-shoes (saints) tend to attach themselves to people who are like them. We’re looking for something identifiable– markers perhaps that assures us we are not among strangers.

There is a twist though; it’s almost a bit of fairytale stuff. Sinners who tend to become attracted to Saints often try to change them. And vice versa. While the latter is queerly acceptable for reasons of making people the best version of themselves if they choose, the same cannot be said for the former.

Now about that trend I talked about earlier, there have been discussions ongoing on forums about women sexuality. For some  reason there seems a consensus that women who aren’t virgins should not deny sex to their boyfriends. There’s also another that women who claim virgins are most likely lying about it. I have some difficulty wrapping my head around this.

Where does a person’s choice to change come in?

When a woman declines sex, what has the state of her vagina got to do with it?

Should a person desirous of leading a different lifestyle after years of living in a moral cesspit be denied?

I  understand that morality for people is subjective, dependent to a large extent on religious doctrines, laws of the state, social influence and intuition, but the drastic decline is troubling. It’s like we’re telling one another, once a sinner always a sinner, refusing to acknowledge that anything good can come out something once terrible.

I believe in change. I believe that people have some inherent goodness awaiting discovery. And I know there exists some who cannot believe in themselves until someone does.

So why won’t we allow those who have been brave enough to cross the threshold from Sinner to Sainthood lead a new life? It’s like praying a person turns around from their ways with an eye shut, while keeping the other open hoping that they’ll slip. It doesn’t add up.

Define your choices,  hold yourself accountable to your standards. And then hold everyone else to it.

What a person chooses becomes their new marker; their new identifier. I do not mean that the past dissolves into nothingness, no. If that happened there’ll be no lessons learnt from our poor choices. But people should be allowed to be. If she says no sex, don’t go wondering why you shouldn’t eat from her honey-pot because some guy who was a product of her erratic behavior ate from it. We need to learn to respect choices. It’s disturbing when a man asks this virginity question…  Seriously again, what has the state of her vagina got to do with anything?!

This is for young women out there because I am one and can write from the shoe that hurts me. Virginity is a good thing. Awesome.  But it’s not everything. Aside keeping yourself for so long, it’s important you know why you have kept yourself for so long:

Is it supposed play as an advantage in the dating pool?

Are you waiting for that special man?

Do you think it’s wrong because God said so?

Define your choices,  hold yourself to your standards. And then hold everyone else to it.

quotes on morality and choice

If you’ve been sexually active and choose to become inactive, then this is your new standard. Ignore whatever silly people out there say. I don’t know if it’s called revirginization, but don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to become less than you’ve chosen simply because it makes you look cool and makes them feel good.  The relationships you keep should edify not cause you to stumble again (Of course same goes for the guys).

In favor of men who are skeptical about the virginity proclamation, it’s difficult to entirely blame them when some women have turned this age-old sign of virtue to a get-out-of-jail card. When a reason becomes old it simply becomes impossible to accept it as valid. Don’t be liars. Virginity is not an free pass. It’s not your key to the world and really it takes just a well placed sex organ to lose it. What should count is your word and choice– after all it is your body and you own exclusive rights to it. Don’t go about allowing people make you defend your decision to deny intimacy.

Pearls should not be given to Pigs because they’ll trample on it, completely ignorant of its worth

To those in search of a morally pristine being, at the very least make certain you’re pristine enough and worthy of them. It’s hypocrisy to want something you’re not desirous of being. A bit of biblical wisdom here, pearls should not be given to Pigs because they’ll trample on it, completely ignorant of its worth. If you’re in search of something more down-to-earth then there are those available too, but allow the people who wish to crossover do so in peace without pressure.

Here is one thing I do believe though: If there is a God in heaven he’ll give to everyone exactly as they deserve.

 

Image: Google Images

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38 thoughts on “Saints. Sinners. Standards. Sex.

  1. teeceecounsel January 31, 2016 / 8:30 am

    I live in an area where subjects of this nature are almost never discussed openly.
    I admire your courageous candor.
    My take on this issue is that most people are self centred and they coarse their friends or partners to satisfy them irrespective of their ideals.
    We must stand up to what we believe and live up to the standards that we set for ourselves.
    That’s the only way we can find fulfillment.
    Good job! Great post!!!

    Like

    • uju January 31, 2016 / 4:52 pm

      “most people are self centred and they coarse their friends or partners to satisfy them irrespective of their ideals.”

      Exactly. I’ve read stories of people who complain that their insignificant other described them as either prudish or gay simply because they have different ideals. Wouldn’t it make more sense to get into a relationship with someone who values the same things as you do? Yet we find obvious bad boys with a sexual record wanting to marry virgins, and girls who claim to want nice guys trying to change them later.
      Exhausting world I tell ya.

      Liked by 1 person

      • teeceecounsel February 1, 2016 / 4:59 am

        Exhausting world indeed, but I still believe that everyone has got a choice.
        We can always walk away from relationships that weigh us down or devalue us rather than add value to us.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. blaqaffairs August 24, 2015 / 9:25 am

    I agree with you, Uju. Likewise those who are morally upright should not look down their nose on those they consider sinners. Afterall, it takes just a well placed sex organ to lose it.

    Like

    • uju August 26, 2015 / 1:45 am

      Very true. Passing judgement on others is the easiest way to get them never to change. We naturally raise our hackles and become defensive when we feel pressure.

      Like

      • blaqaffairs August 26, 2015 / 1:16 pm

        It’s an attack on my person. You gotta defend yourself. It’s natural.

        Like

  3. The False Prophet July 16, 2015 / 9:41 am

    I think pigs know exactly what pearls are worth :D. Keep on blogging in a free world – The False Prophet

    Like

    • uju July 16, 2015 / 8:22 pm

      hahaha that’s left to be seen 😀

      Like

  4. livelytwist July 14, 2015 / 10:32 am

    Beyond sex, I think that if you try to reinvent yourself in any way, people will question your credibility, and in some cases, especially if you’re in the public arena, maybe they should.

    I like what you said about not giving in to peer pressure and living your new life. Time will tell, but there’ll always be naysayers though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • uju July 14, 2015 / 9:51 pm

      Thanks Timi. It’s always better to think our actions through first because the past never disappears, and like you said naturally people will doubt. It’s our perseverance that matters in the end.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. tolawrites July 13, 2015 / 8:26 am

    Couldn’t have written it any better.

    The issues you’ve stated will always be there but it is left for individuals to take their stand on where they belong. There is a pattern and a standard to the operations of this world but the bible said we should not conform to it (Romans 12:2).

    Liked by 1 person

    • uju July 13, 2015 / 11:22 am

      Thank you for the scriptural quotation, Tola. Yes we must not be conformed to worldly standard; we must also not be limited by our past. Lessons should be learned, mistakes corrected and the future embraced. Sometimes our limitations are based on our fears, but even that must be overcome.

      Liked by 1 person

      • tolawrites July 13, 2015 / 1:04 pm

        So true Uju.
        Reminds me of something I saw written on a commercial bus some few weeks back which goes thus; “Life is a battle, don’t fear the fight but fight the fear”. The fear of failure has deprived a whole lot of people from success and in this case, the fear of rejection has made a lot of people compromised their standard just so they can be accepted but they forget that the things that are accepted today were once rejected.
        Our past is what made us who we are today and our decisions today will dictate what we will become in future. We must learn to respect peoples opinion, allow them to be who they want to be and not try to make them who we want them to be.

        Liked by 1 person

        • uju July 13, 2015 / 2:22 pm

          Life is a battle, don’t fear the fight but fight the fear”.

          I hope everyone who reads this keeps this nugget of wisdom. Fear is everything that holds us back– we’re liberated once we let go of the reins.

          Thank you for the insight you’ve brought to this, T 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Holistic Wayfarer July 11, 2015 / 10:35 pm

    Now tell me this one didn’t spike your view count.(SOmeThing about that word SeX.) =) You’re right. We like to imprison people to their past or our perceptions of them. Makes US feel good about ourselves, in control.

    Like

    • uju July 11, 2015 / 10:51 pm

      Lol astute observation, D 😀
      And yes, you are right. I wonder what it cost to give someone a chance to be different…

      Like

  7. Jeff July 10, 2015 / 9:35 am

    Like I said in a similar article like this; “Sexual immorality has be trivialized in today’s world”. People tend to have this stereotypical judgement on non-virgins as sinners or can I say, promiscuous. This has made most lady to act like a green snake under the green grasses. But you can’t blame the men who think non-virgins refusing sex are trying to change their lifestyle when most girls use this as an avenue to use and dump them(Maga).

    Every one can decide what he/she wants in life as far as it doesn’t negatively affect another person. Being a virgin until marriage is a virtue but it doesn’t make the virgin to be better than the non-vigin who decided to think positive. Funny enough, this virgin thing is not generalized to both sexes. I value a vituous woman whether virgin or not…and she must be a good cook #winks

    Nice work, Uju

    Like

    • uju July 10, 2015 / 2:05 pm

      See, I believe in the ripple effect. I believe in the principle of cause and effect.
      So far this part of your comment:
      People tend to have this stereotypical judgement on non-virgins as sinners or can I say, promiscuous.

      Explains this part:
      This has made most lady to act like a green snake under the green grasses. But you can’t blame the men who think non-virgins refusing sex are trying to change their lifestyle when most girls use this as an avenue to use and dump them(Maga).

      If we didn’t have to deal with all that stereotype concerning women who have chosen to be intimate out of wedlock describing them as immoral, then they won’t always feel the need to appear otherwise.
      Still, I think the onus lies on women to stop this. Don’t lie. Make choices you’ll be proud of. Or don’t make them at all.

      And yes, don’t even get me started on the double standard– it’ll take a post of its own.

      Thanks 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Agent33 July 10, 2015 / 8:20 am

    Well, Uju.
    Nicely Written.
    My thoughts are echoed exactly.

    I met someone not quite long ago who asked me on more than two occasions when he would have his conjugal rights, and I’m like….”Has Oxford Manufactured A New Meaning For “Conjugal” Which Perchance, I’m not Aware Of?”

    I think the message is clear enough.
    You cannot allow yourself be defined by others’ standards.
    Make one or more for your self and have the will power enough to see it through.
    In the end, you, and only you gets to decide the reality that’ll ever matter to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • uju July 10, 2015 / 12:22 pm

      It’s all about choice. It will always be about choice. Well said. If we also learn to let go of th fear holding us back– fear of not finding someone ‘better’; fear that our past actions will make everything ahead messy; fear that we will never find happiness– if we let go of fear then maintaining and fighting for our new standards become easier.

      Thank you, Ije.

      Like

  9. George July 10, 2015 / 12:37 am

    I agree completely with everything you’ve said but being old school I’m backing up several steps and trying to understand how people are aware of a woman’s past sexual activity. Is this a discussion they have during their relationship, which seems odd, or does her boyfriend know about her sexual history from other men? Everyone has the right to change or decide what she does or doesn’t want to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • uju July 10, 2015 / 7:53 am

      Well, I have heard a guy will always be ready for sex once he’s allowed (can’t vouch for the authenticity of that statement), so it is somewhat routine to establish with your partner ground rules especially concerning intimacy.
      The thing is more often than not he wants to know why you’ve taken a ‘no sex’ stand. Are you a virgin? Is usually the first question on his list, followed by ‘were you raped?’
      Response to each individual question is met with considerable skepticism of course so it’s a wonder why they even bother asking.
      Very few would be ready to accept your decision to withhold sex without the occasion trace of doubt (perhaps you’re having sex with someone else or simply lying about being a virgin). So they push and push until the woman gives in to save the relationship or she has sense enough to quit.

      **I speak from the POV of a young Nigerian female and this is what is obtainable around here.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. cisteksys July 9, 2015 / 5:12 pm

    Sex is beautiful,thank God for creating…

    Like

  11. A.PROMPTreply July 9, 2015 / 2:28 pm

    A post with a lot of depth….we could even extend this line of thought into the courts when we realise how very much a victim of rape is “put on trial” herself sometimes with the very thing you mentioned above…”Well, you’ve had sex with x number of men, so why shouldn’t this man expect that it would be okay?” and similar defense strategies. Very good post touching on a very important issue!

    Liked by 1 person

    • uju July 9, 2015 / 8:22 pm

      a victim of rape is “put on trial” herself sometimes with the very thing you mentioned above…”Well, you’ve had sex with x number of men, so why shouldn’t this man expect that it would be okay?”

      This actually happens? It’s almost impossible not to give up on this world! A person’s body is theirs to do with as their ethical and moral codes dictates, not what someone decides is good and acceptable for them.

      i was having a conversation with some guy months ago who thought that a victim of rape was already ‘compromised’ enough to continue with further intimacy– like there was no reason to hold back the honeypot anymore. Disgusting. But it also shows how deplorable the mental faculties of some moving beings are around us.

      We as a society need to rethink virginity and intimacy.

      Liked by 1 person

      • A.PROMPTreply July 10, 2015 / 1:57 am

        Yes, I don’t have personal experience with this but here is a link to an article about this very thing (in the courts). It’s all very factual, but toward the bottom notice the paragraph about the Sexual Offences Amendment Act (1976). That’s exactly what I’m talking about. It is sad and you’re absolutely right…..A person’s body is theirs to do with as they determine no matter what has gone on before. Society needs to rethink, but it also needs to re-teach all members, not just the victims.

        Like

          • uju July 10, 2015 / 12:15 pm

            Thanks for the link, it is enlightening. I am particularly surprised at the judicial process in dealing with rape victims in the west– allowing the defendant ample window to “protect” himself, while leaving the victim of such heinous act with nothing but a story and fear.
            Clearly the SOAA needs revision.

            I agree with you about re-teaching people. So much that happens is a function of mental conditioning, if that can change then the battle is almost won.

            Liked by 1 person

  12. Kambili M.A. Chimalu July 9, 2015 / 1:12 pm

    I think that before we even get to this part of the conversation, we have to recognize people’s fascination with the Madonna-Whore complex. Women are expected to be one or the other, so people find it incredulous for a “reformed whore” to claim purity.

    The way our society functions, a woman’s virginity is a gift that she must protect and present to her husband on their wedding night, so if that gift has been unwrapped, people tend to think, “what are you still protecting sef? It’s not like you are still a virgin.” This humiliating perspective leads some men to believe that they have rights to a woman’s body.

    I have my thoughts about this whole virginity requirement (it is bullshit, the double standard is mind boggling, it is dehumanizing), but I will not get into it now. I will say though that a woman’s body belongs to her. If she wants to explore her sexuality, then she should do that without fear of being tagged a sinner or loose woman. No matter how many men she has slept with, she can still refuse a man sex without having to explain her choices. Heck, she can say no to a man she has slept with before.

    Issues like this make my blood boil. Let me go and cool my blood with ice water.

    Liked by 2 people

    • uju July 9, 2015 / 8:14 pm

      The way our society functions, a woman’s virginity is a gift that she must protect and present to her husband on their wedding night, so if that gift has been unwrapped, people tend to think, “what are you still protecting sef? It’s not like you are still a virgin.” This humiliating perspective leads some men to believe that they have rights to a woman’s body. —-

      And herein lies the crux of the matter. What if this ‘gift’ isn’t supposed to be a gift at all? What if it’s just her waiting for the perfect guy or right opportunity to let it go?
      People need reorientation on what’s a person’s choice and what society’s allowed to dictate. This issue is clearly a matter of choice.
      I feel sorry for women who allow themselves be dehumanized by such male stupidity.

      **hope your blood’s cooler now 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Adaeze July 9, 2015 / 5:27 am

    You raised a number of fantastic points, I really like this post!

    Like

    • uju July 9, 2015 / 7:49 am

      Thanks Ada 🙂 I was very upset when I read that thing on twitter and feel terrible about the male-female double standard everywhere.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Adaeze July 9, 2015 / 8:51 am

        I felt like hugging you when you talked about a woman who’s not a virgin having the right to say no to sex. It’s things like this that derail people who have made up their minds to change. I remember when you said you’d write about the double standard- this post was worth the loooooooong wait

        Liked by 1 person

        • uju July 9, 2015 / 8:05 pm

          Lol you can hug me 😀
          I felt it necessary to disabuse people of the notion that a woman’s legs should remain eternally open once she bothers to have sex with one man.

          Thanks for your kind words, Adaeze.

          **Just realized you’re a Pharmacist. Nice ^ ^

          Like

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